Poking the Elephant in the Room
Dec. 5th, 2005 12:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
poisonangelCharacters: IC Julia and IC Yozak
Rated: PG
Author’s Note: This is basically a “what would happen if IC Julia were to appear in the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
omg_maou role-playing game?” fanfic. I didn’t really go into it, but I imagine something rather intense took place prior to Yozak’s arrival in this story. I hope this fic is better than I think it is. How is that for a ringing endorsement from the author? Enjoy.
“Do you love him?”
The question was loud and brash and reckless. Somewhere in the back of the redhead’s mind he wondered if he had just sacrificed everything to ask it. His heart slammed against his chest, and he felt wild and strangely unattached from his actions as if he were only watching himself play the fool.
He was a half-breed and a soldier who had simply burst into a noble woman’s suite. It didn’t matter that she had already lived and died once. All that mattered was that she was alive and she had returned to Blood Pledge castle where no matter how tolerant and kind the Maou was, equality for half-breeds was still more than sword’s length away.
“Gur...Yozak-san, please come in.” They had not known each other long even though they had both lived in Shin Makoku for more years than your average lady would care to admit. But when dealing with a subject as close to the heart as, well, the heart, it hardly seemed appropriate to remain so formal as to use his last name.
“Have a seat,” she gestured to an overstuffed chair she knew to be positioned across from her even if her azure eyes couldn’t tell you what color the leather was.
The two figures were strangely juxtaposed. Yozak’s breath came in quick gulps, and his body practically trembled with extra energy while Suzanna Julia von Wincott was the very picture of calm and composed. She offered the man a faint smile, but her sightless eyes bore a sad expression, evident even in their placid appearance.
She had known from the moment she reacquainted herself with the vibrant spy that he had wanted to ask that question. Every controlled breath, every uncomfortable shift of his body, and every sentence that left it carefully unspoken all screamed of his need to know. She had hoped giving Yozak and his lover space as she renewed her ties among the living would give him the time he needed to sort the issue out on his own. Apparently, that was not to be the case.
Julia listened as Yozak walked further into the room to stand behind the chair. His hands firmly gripped the soft leather backing as if to steady himself. “Conrad is a close and dear friend to me. I care about him greatly.”
Yozak stared at her in disbelief. She was so calm--so infuriatingly calm. How could she just sit there like a porcelain doll--precious and adored and perfect while he made a fool of himself? He struggled through conflicting thoughts and feelings and did and said things he knew he would regret for years to come, and there she sat as though they were having afternoon tea and discussing the weather.
Suddenly, he felt exhausted--utterly drained of all the angry and righteous fury that had sent him storming through the halls to Julia’s quarters in the first place. If he hadn’t been squeezing the back of the chair in a vice-like grip there was a good chance he would have fallen. Instead, he allowed himself to slip around to the other side, and he practically collapsed against the soft material.
“Why?” When the question fell from his lips, it honestly shocked him--even more than the first one had. But once it was on the table, he wasn’t going to withdraw it. Why didn’t she love Conrad? He had loved Conrad from almost the moment he had seen him ride in like a shining knight upon his horse to whisk him away from his mother’s graveside. In truth they had both been little more than children then, and it was more accurate to say Dan Hiri had rescued him. But it was Conrad that made him start to live again back then.
Some would call it savior worship or a childhood crush, but it was more than that. He was Conrad. Yozak could no sooner stop breathing than he could stop loving the other man, and it was slowly choking him.
“I knew what the Shinou had planned for me,” she began. There was no reason to hide the facts of the past any longer--not when the man before her was suffering and honesty was the only balm she could provide for such an aching. “I did my best to live my life in a way that had more meaning than simply waiting for the end to come. However, I also knew whatever bonds I formed were to be severed at a definite point. I wanted to make my passing as easy as possible for those I left. I had hoped...” she paused as she thought of Adelbert and the news she had received about his defection and the look on Cheri’s face when she had described Conrad following Ruttenburg. “Well, each person must make his or her own choices.”
Yozak watched her silently. It was one of the saddest things he had heard, and he was furious with her for it. He was furious she didn’t hate the Shinou for putting her through that. He was furious she handled it all with that damnable grace and perfection. And he was furious because he felt like a monster for being furious with someone like her.
But one other thing about what she said bothered him. It was not Yozak’s typical, strong, oft times playful voice that spoke nor was it his more authoritative voice. Instead, it was a fragile sound that shouldn’t have come from such a confident man. It was tired and raw and all the confusion and pain swimming beneath the surface were just a careful listen away from being heard. “All you have to do is change your mind and I lose him. It isn’t even a contest. It is you. It has always been you.”
Silence settles between them and when he can take it no more, he lifts his eyes to see something unexpected. The perfect, calm, poised Julia looked absolutely sorrowful.
“Lady?” he asked, momentarily forgetting his own frustration and grief that had led to the strange meeting.
Smiling faintly, she spoke, “I am sorry, Yozak-san. I never wanted to be the cause of such pain.”
Yozak felt like the lowest, most worthless kind of heel for making her sad. If he had the energy to comfort the woman so beloved by his lover, he would have. As it was, he had only the strength it took to remind his legs how to stand and to set them on a path toward the door. “I am the one who should be sorry for disturbing you. Good night, Lady von Wincott.”
He closed the door behind him fast enough that any protest or response she had planned to make was silenced by the dense, wooden boundary. He wasn’t sure what he had been looking for by losing his mind and storming in there, and he wasn’t sure if he had found it either. But one thing was certain. He felt even less comparable to Julia than he had before.
Rated: PG
Author’s Note: This is basically a “what would happen if IC Julia were to appear in the
omg_maou role-playing game?” fanfic. I didn’t really go into it, but I imagine something rather intense took place prior to Yozak’s arrival in this story. I hope this fic is better than I think it is. How is that for a ringing endorsement from the author? Enjoy.“Do you love him?”
The question was loud and brash and reckless. Somewhere in the back of the redhead’s mind he wondered if he had just sacrificed everything to ask it. His heart slammed against his chest, and he felt wild and strangely unattached from his actions as if he were only watching himself play the fool.
He was a half-breed and a soldier who had simply burst into a noble woman’s suite. It didn’t matter that she had already lived and died once. All that mattered was that she was alive and she had returned to Blood Pledge castle where no matter how tolerant and kind the Maou was, equality for half-breeds was still more than sword’s length away.
“Gur...Yozak-san, please come in.” They had not known each other long even though they had both lived in Shin Makoku for more years than your average lady would care to admit. But when dealing with a subject as close to the heart as, well, the heart, it hardly seemed appropriate to remain so formal as to use his last name.
“Have a seat,” she gestured to an overstuffed chair she knew to be positioned across from her even if her azure eyes couldn’t tell you what color the leather was.
The two figures were strangely juxtaposed. Yozak’s breath came in quick gulps, and his body practically trembled with extra energy while Suzanna Julia von Wincott was the very picture of calm and composed. She offered the man a faint smile, but her sightless eyes bore a sad expression, evident even in their placid appearance.
She had known from the moment she reacquainted herself with the vibrant spy that he had wanted to ask that question. Every controlled breath, every uncomfortable shift of his body, and every sentence that left it carefully unspoken all screamed of his need to know. She had hoped giving Yozak and his lover space as she renewed her ties among the living would give him the time he needed to sort the issue out on his own. Apparently, that was not to be the case.
Julia listened as Yozak walked further into the room to stand behind the chair. His hands firmly gripped the soft leather backing as if to steady himself. “Conrad is a close and dear friend to me. I care about him greatly.”
Yozak stared at her in disbelief. She was so calm--so infuriatingly calm. How could she just sit there like a porcelain doll--precious and adored and perfect while he made a fool of himself? He struggled through conflicting thoughts and feelings and did and said things he knew he would regret for years to come, and there she sat as though they were having afternoon tea and discussing the weather.
Suddenly, he felt exhausted--utterly drained of all the angry and righteous fury that had sent him storming through the halls to Julia’s quarters in the first place. If he hadn’t been squeezing the back of the chair in a vice-like grip there was a good chance he would have fallen. Instead, he allowed himself to slip around to the other side, and he practically collapsed against the soft material.
“Why?” When the question fell from his lips, it honestly shocked him--even more than the first one had. But once it was on the table, he wasn’t going to withdraw it. Why didn’t she love Conrad? He had loved Conrad from almost the moment he had seen him ride in like a shining knight upon his horse to whisk him away from his mother’s graveside. In truth they had both been little more than children then, and it was more accurate to say Dan Hiri had rescued him. But it was Conrad that made him start to live again back then.
Some would call it savior worship or a childhood crush, but it was more than that. He was Conrad. Yozak could no sooner stop breathing than he could stop loving the other man, and it was slowly choking him.
“I knew what the Shinou had planned for me,” she began. There was no reason to hide the facts of the past any longer--not when the man before her was suffering and honesty was the only balm she could provide for such an aching. “I did my best to live my life in a way that had more meaning than simply waiting for the end to come. However, I also knew whatever bonds I formed were to be severed at a definite point. I wanted to make my passing as easy as possible for those I left. I had hoped...” she paused as she thought of Adelbert and the news she had received about his defection and the look on Cheri’s face when she had described Conrad following Ruttenburg. “Well, each person must make his or her own choices.”
Yozak watched her silently. It was one of the saddest things he had heard, and he was furious with her for it. He was furious she didn’t hate the Shinou for putting her through that. He was furious she handled it all with that damnable grace and perfection. And he was furious because he felt like a monster for being furious with someone like her.
But one other thing about what she said bothered him. It was not Yozak’s typical, strong, oft times playful voice that spoke nor was it his more authoritative voice. Instead, it was a fragile sound that shouldn’t have come from such a confident man. It was tired and raw and all the confusion and pain swimming beneath the surface were just a careful listen away from being heard. “All you have to do is change your mind and I lose him. It isn’t even a contest. It is you. It has always been you.”
Silence settles between them and when he can take it no more, he lifts his eyes to see something unexpected. The perfect, calm, poised Julia looked absolutely sorrowful.
“Lady?” he asked, momentarily forgetting his own frustration and grief that had led to the strange meeting.
Smiling faintly, she spoke, “I am sorry, Yozak-san. I never wanted to be the cause of such pain.”
Yozak felt like the lowest, most worthless kind of heel for making her sad. If he had the energy to comfort the woman so beloved by his lover, he would have. As it was, he had only the strength it took to remind his legs how to stand and to set them on a path toward the door. “I am the one who should be sorry for disturbing you. Good night, Lady von Wincott.”
He closed the door behind him fast enough that any protest or response she had planned to make was silenced by the dense, wooden boundary. He wasn’t sure what he had been looking for by losing his mind and storming in there, and he wasn’t sure if he had found it either. But one thing was certain. He felt even less comparable to Julia than he had before.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-12-05 07:01 am (UTC)Well played, Threesome!
And as for Conrad, he's trying. He really is. :-/ But you can't just stop loving someone, even if they don't or won't ever love you.
And as for Conrad leaving Yozak for Julia, do you really think he would? ^^ Perhaps my little Lion will suprise you all yet. Conrad does have his pride . . . pun intended.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-05 07:08 am (UTC)And, well, under that circumstance I do think it is possible, but maybe not in as clear cut a way as actually leaving. Maybe more in the vein of doing things to get Yozak to leave him first like picking fights or being avoidant. Or, maybe, and this is very, very doubtful because it would involve Julia doing something immoral, he might "accidentally" cheat on him, leading to a possible break-up.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-07 05:52 am (UTC)"Yozak watched her silently. It was one of the saddest things he had heard, and he was furious with her for it. He was furious she didn’t hate the Shinou for putting her through that. He was furious she handled it all with that damnable grace and perfection. And he was furious because he felt like a monster for being furious with someone like her."
Perfectly accurate, that whole paragraph.
As for Yozak's behavior...spot-on, all of it. The Julia thing turns him into a loose canon, and there's little he won't do if he gets worked up enough. If he was pissed off enough and had deluded himself into thinking Julia was his enemy, or rival, or whatever, he would definitely challenge her like this. And then he would crumble with shame, just like he did. =)
Beautiful and sad and perfect. I loved it. ♥
no subject
Date: 2005-12-07 11:50 pm (UTC)